Day 5 of the new anti-depressant and of course it’s too early for it to have improved how I feel. (I typed that as ‘fell’ first time…)
I have five gym sessions under my belt and after each one there is a fleeting feeling of elevated mood. I’ve done a decent walk on other nights and there is a flicker of something positive in a few of my strides.
I’ve had fewer of the high GI carbs that can make me feel ratty afterward. I’ve had a few glasses of alcohol but never more than one in a night and they’ve been well spaced across the weeks.
I just have to hang on and keep doing more exercise and hope I notice some improvement soon.
My partner asked me to explain something of what I was feeling and I found it hard. Here and now, I’d say that I feel pain. It’s emotional pain but there is a sensitivity on my body. It’s sore to touch. My eyes are dry (I don’t know if this has any connection to depression) and I feel hollow. Everything I look at appears hollow. My future looks empty of pleasure. I long for something that doesn’t look empty and meaningless to me. Other people look like haggard empty shells.
And yet I’m functioning like people all over the world with depression do. I’m working. I’m living in a family. I’m putting on a brave face for my partners’ children. I’m taking the train and I’m driving on the roads and I’m participating in this rat race we refer to as civilisation. I’ll go out to dinner tonight and I’ll look around the restaurant at the other diners and if I’m feeling a little lighter in mood I’ll wonder about their stories. But perhaps I’ll just see them as outlines.